Black Wedding Ruined by White DJ

ATLANTA, GA – Many women spend their entire lifetimes dreaming about their wedding day. That’s exactly what Rita Charmers did when she dreamed of her special day. But those blissful wedding dreams soon turned into sour wedding grapes when what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life was ruined all because of one man.

No we aren’t talking about the groom. “My wedding day was ruined because the damn DJ refused to play the Wedding Wobble song. Now my marriage is cursed.”

That’s right folks, Mrs. Charmers says her wedding was ruined because the DJ, DJ Porky wouldn’t play the Wedding Wobble song.

“This lady was yelling obscenities and threw cake and a vase at my head. I kept trying to tell her that I couldn’t play the song because I didn’t have the record but she wouldn’t listen to what I was saying,” stated Porky. “This was my first black wedding and I was prepared to play the Electric Slide. I mean that’s why her kind always dances to. But as soon as the record came in she came charging at me like a bull. Ripping needles and scratching up my cd’s. Screaming that black folks don’t do the Electric Slide anymore they do the “Wobble”. How the hell was I supposed to do that, I’m not a black folk.”

Guests at the wedding say they had to protect the DJ because the bride was looking to kill him. One guest who wished to remain anonymous said that she doesn’t even know why they hired a white DJ for a black wedding. A black DJ would have known what to play.

Fortunately for the bride, DJ Porky didn’t want to press charges. She was still upset after the police officers left but DJ Porky was able to calm her down when he threw on the classic Bitches Aint S*^t but Hoes and Tricks by Dr. Dre. And Snoop Dogg

This got the crowd back in a festive mood and the reception continued without any further incidents.

Associate Justice Diagnosed With Racial Alzheimer’s

Washington – Associate Justice Clarence Thomas was surprised when he learned that he was a black man and married to a White woman for the last 25 years. The revelation came as he was the invited featured speaker at an MCA convention, Mixed Couples Alliance.

“I thought mixed couple meant a man and a woman. Why would I think they were talking about a black and white couple? I’m white and my wife is white.” Justice Thomas then proceeded to jump up on the table and shout White Power while performing the Honky Tonk.

Dr. Chaneg, a well-renowned neurologist who has treated other people with this disorder says that the Associate Justice for the Supreme Court suffers from an acute case of Racial Alzheimer’s. “Racial Alzheimer means that you take on certain characteristics of a certain race in which you feel you should have been born. After a prolonged state in that race you only exist in that race. People also refer to it as “acting black or acting white” in extreme cases like this one. Justice Thomas has completely forgotten how black people act and for all intents and purposes is living like a white man.”

Virginia about her marriage: “My husband isn’t black. I’ve never put up barriers in my life that don’t make sense. When we met, I was so drawn to his integrity, his values, his intelligence. How many black men do you know have those qualities? He is a white man”

“To believe that Justice Thomas didn’t know he was a black man is absurd,” said Rep. Louise Slaughter, a Democrat from Rochester, N.Y. “Justice is supposed to be blind not stupid. He’s used every trick in the book as a black man and suddenly he doesn’t know he’s black. Yeah right”

Swahili Piru’s Latest Bloods Set

Africa – The Bloods have been able to maintain L.A.’s status as the drive-by-shooting capital of the world, but their recruitment efforts have fallen short over the years – until now. Gang intelligence officers from L.A., New York, Chicago along with the FBI says that the L.A based Bloods gang has gone abroad to recruit new members.

A recent gang task force led an operation called Operation Blood Donor and busted two high ranking gang members in the BDP aka Bloods Don’t Play set. The arrests unveiled a cache of weapons, drugs, money and maps detailing a new Bloods set being formed in Africa.

According to Assistant Director Kenneth W. Kaiser, FBI Criminal Investigative Division. “Our goal was to take these violent offenders off the streets and make our neighborhoods safer.” Something the FBI is glad to say they accomplished, maybe a little to well. Recently with the capture of a high ranking Compton Piru member, the FBI gained intelligence on a new set – The Swahili Piru’s. “This new set is more violent than anything we’ve ever seen.” stated Kaiser.

In response to this new Piru set, Director Robert S. Mueller, III has appointed Philip A. Selton special agent in charge of the African Gang Intelligence Division (AGID) at the Washington Field Office. Mr. Selton most recently served as section chief in the Counterterrorism Division at FBI Headquarters. He oversaw management of overseas FBI terrorism cases and FBI personnel assigned to the Department of Defense Combatant Commands.

“We have defeated the gangs here in the U.S and no matter where they go we will defeat them there. We will just have to change our tactics. AK-47’s and Streetsweepers have been replaced with Spears and Dart guns. It’s nothing we can’t handle but some of the men have never been on a goat and there is going to be a learning curve but believe we will be ready. The Swahili Piru’s won’t know what hit the.”

 

Blue Ivy newest Rapper Signed to Roc Nation Label

New York – In what is being hailed as “the next greatest rapper alive,” 13 time Grammy award winning cultural icon Shawn “JAY Z” Carter has signed his baby daughter Blue Ivy Carter to a multi-year recording contract as the new face of RocNation minutes after the umbilical cord was cut.

Blue Ivy Carter who is just a few days old joins a list of other Roc Nation artists who have been guided by Jay Z.

“Look who her mother is, the hottest chick in the game whose been wearing my chain. I know talent when I see talent and that baby is talented.”

Sources who wished to remain anonymous say that producers Kayne West, Dr Dre and Swizz Beats have already been lined up to contribute tracks to Blue Ivy’s first mixtape, there is no title at this time.

Bishop Eddie Long starts 2012 off alone

 ATLANTA, GA – Eddie Long has returned to public ministry. The senior pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church returned to the pulpit this past Sunday after taking some time off to deal with some issues. The preacher who chose to deliver his first sermon of the new year during the Martin Luther King celebration choose a topic of “Balls Deep, No Homo” as his first sermon topic.

“2012 is here! Shake off the sexual un-satisfaction, shake off the demons of those who make fun of your lifestyle, shake off the accusations, start using your hands again,” Long said during the service, according to the Youtube Video he uploaded which has been viewed three times.

“I’m still your pastor. You’ll still receive my direction,” were the words preached by Bishop Eddie Long. The sermon came after the announcement that his wife Vanessa Long had filed for divorce. The only problem, Bishop Long was preaching to an empty church.

The maintenance man who had to be called to open the church doors so Bishop Long could get in says he has never seen the church that empty. “Even when they were building the place there was always people around.”

When asked what he thought about all the empty pews. Bishop Long responded that “people missed out on a great sermon. “Balls Deep, No Homo” will change lives. They will just have to catch my next sermon. “Put it on the glass”

How-word Univercity is Not Accredited

WASHINGTON — Despite years of listening to his father call him stupid for going to school. Jaamal Bryson was looking forward to being the first person in his family graduuate from college. Now it seems that his dream of hanging his college degree on the wall of fame at LuLu’s Chicken & Waffle will never be.

“The letter came in the mail the other day. It turns out that How-word Univercity lost it’s accreditation 7 years ago. It isn’t a real college. It’s not even an HBCU. This piece of paper isn’t worth anything.”

As Jaamal sat looking out on the campus he has called home for six and a half years in his pursuit of an Associates Degree, he can’t believe that all the studying was for nothing.

“I don’t know, maybe I was being naïve by thinking that a black kid from Brooklyn, Mississippi could go to school and achieve something,” Bryson added. “Is it too much to hope that I could get a degree and find a job where I could support my mother, uncle, two cousins, and the pit bulls we breed in the back of the house?”

“It happens more often than you’d think, but it needs to happen more often than it does,” says Mark A. Elgart, Commissioner of The National Black College Accreditation Council. In the past five years, the organization has pulled accreditation on four school systems and a dozen private schools, for reasons ranging from poor academic performance to governance to financial fraud.

While the exact reasons for why How-word Univercity lost it’s accreditation are not known. Reports have been circulating that money from the federal government which was to go to students in need was instead used for trips to Magic City and The Chicken shack.

As Jaamal looks back on the last six years he wonders what his next steps will be. “I’m going to have to do something. I’m on the hook for all this money. I owe like $3200 in student loans.”

Secret Service Agents Wouldn’t Touch Black Hooker

WASHINGTON — Senators investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal said Wednesday that a new case has been brought to their attention. One that they all feel could sack more agents and further thrust the agency in charge of protecting the president into a deeper state of turmoil.

Sen. Joe Lieberman, chairman of the chamber’s Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, who urged others to come forward with information so investigators could learn whether a culture of misconduct was taking over the agency, met with another young woman who told her story.

This young woman who is just trying to earn a living said that none of the agents would even consider paying her. When asked why she said because agents said she looked to much like the first lady and they couldn’t fuck someone like that. Can you believe that she was denied the opportunity to make money because they thought she looked like First lady Michelle Obama. Clearly we are not training our agents properly. Anyone can see that her tits are way bigger than the first lady and that she has ass that goes on for days. We are doing this country a major disservice if men who are supposed to be trained to notice any minute threat in regards to the president can’t even tell the difference between a flat-chested woman and one with ample bosom.”

Lieberman also called the reported incidents “troubling” and said the agency’s great reputation has become “sadly stained.”