Black American says Jamaicans are ruining the Black American Dream

Linda Jones is leading the fight to see that all Jamaicans are deported. “These people come over here looking for a better opportunity and I have a serious problem with that. How you come from not working at all but get to the Unified States of America and you want to work ten damn jobs? I mean a person has to fuck every now and then and then get some sleep at some point. You can’t do all that when all you do is work. I barely have enough time at my full-time job where I work 20 hours to do anything else. I be so damn tired. But these people come here and they just keep trying to show us Black Americans up. That aint right. I don’t need someone who looks like me trying to outshine me to these white peoples. They doing all kinds of jobs, then buying houses, and they send the money they making back home so more damn Jamaicans can come here from Jamaica. That aint the Black American dream.”

When it was explained to Ms. Jones that it’s actually the United States of America not the Unified States and that the American dream is to work, buy a home and support their family she explained further that that may be the American Dream but the Black American dream aint nothing like that. “The black American dream is all about seeing how much shit you can get away with. I got one cousin who is getting $1,200 a month in food stamps for her children and she don’t even have any damn kids. Supporting the damn family, what fantasy are you having? Black people don’t support no one. They only looking out for themselves. Shit, you see that little four-year-old n@#$a of mine lying over there on the floor. His ass bout to get out so he can start earning for himself. I can’t have no mouths around here that aint contributing to what I got going on. I’m trying to get my forty acres and a mule that the government owes me. I can’t even gets mines because these Jamaican people showing the white man that they willing to work for theirs. If they showing them that then I can’t never get what I got coming. These damn Jamaicans is ruining that by wanting to work and be good upstanding citizens. They wasn’t doing that shit in Jamaica. Over there they wasn’t doing nothing but smoking all that shit like Bob Marley and eating them damn sticks with the sugar in them. They need to go back to their own country with that uppity shit.”

With that Ms. Jones slammed the door and she could be heard yelling to her four-year-old to get his lazy ass up so he could walk to the store and get her a few loosie cigarettes.

Prostitute Invents the BestHoeApp for iPhones

The initial vision for the App centered around one question: can we build something to help make it easier for john’s to find the best pussy. Until now, you had to spend money on hoes that couldn’t make their pussies whistle if you put it between their legs. Men would be disappointed because they thought they were getting a quality piece of tail and instead got some dead fishass. Today, we’re super excited because now men who want to pay for sex have an equalizer. Specifically, say hi to the “BestHoe” app, a huge step in the evolution of paying for pussy.

Here’s how the app works. You go to the iTunes store and download the app. After you download your iPhone will pinpoint all the hoes working in your area. If you see a Hoe’s name that you like. Click on the name and it will bring the stats on that particular hoe. For instance, it will tell you what her pussy smells like, what her specialties are, if she is into being kicked while fucking, things like that. If you like what you see you can place your order right then and there and you will get a confirmation with the time, place and price. It’s as simple as that. With the BestHoe App men can be more selective in the kind of hoes they choose to pay for.

Hope you enjoy the BestHoe App 1.0, stay tuned for our updates. Let us know what you think and if there are things we can do to make your Hoe experience more enjoyable. And stay tuned, because we’re just getting started with this stuff…

MIT Student Invents the Perfect Penis

According to the Official Research Guaranteed to Always Satisfy Myself or ORGASM, there are 45 million women aged 18 and older. 23.7% or 10.6 million of those women claim to only reach an orgasm by means other than being with a man. Statistics show that the reason most women can’t reach that perfect orgasm is because they are trying to reach it with a man who isn’t perfect. Finding that perfect man who doesn’t come with all the bullshit has been a quest for women since the beginning of time, and a failed effort for just as long. Demetria Watkins, an electrical engineer who received her doctorate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) earlier this month, may have found a solution.

“I thought that if the reason why a female can’t reach the ultimate orgasm is because her man isn’t perfect then why not invent one that is?” Watkins has developed a sex toy for women that when programmed allows her to reach the perfect orgasm from the perfect man – one that she is in total control of.

She worked on the sex toy with her adviser, Y.U. Cum, associate professor of electrical, materials and biosexual engineering. Watkins said they’ve only tested the toy in the laboratory, in which the orgasm’s they both have had were more explosives than ever. Those results have been very encouraging, Watkins said, but field tests are still needed.

Watkins said her laboratory has been visited by representatives from two companies that specialize in the manufacturing and distribution of sex toys. One, based in Las Vegas, has invited her to visit and conduct field tests there. Details of the visit are being discussed, she said.

To work in the field, Watkins said, the sex toy must be inserted in woman who have never had a decent orgasm because the men who were fucking them were bums on the highest level.

“The toy can be programmed to be any perfect man that a woman can think of. You can take pieces of men you like and combine them into your dream guy. So for instance, the toy I tested on myself has the coolness of Denzel Washington, the swag of T.I. and the voice of Barry White, my perfect man. Once programmed the toy is intuitive to how I want to be fucked and adjusts itself accordingly,” she said. Another possible programming feature is to have all the events you deem important remembered. So you never have to worry about it forgetting the first day the two of you touched each other, or the first time you went deep throat.

Officials at M.I.T’s Center for Science and Technology Commercialization are helping Watkin’s and Cum through the patenting process.

“We have filed a patent based on this programming, and are looking for the opportunity to commercialize this programming in real applications,” Watkin’s said.

The National Dildo Foundation and the Department of Sexual Activity funded the research.

Hair the King Cry

Miami – Of the many questions proposed to the reigning NBA MVP, most have centered on his fourth-quarter play, the willingness to win, and if he should be taking the last second shot in game winning decisions. The one question everyone wonders about but never gets and answer to revolves around the Miami Heat superstar’s slowly disappearing hairline. That question has been asked yet never answered, until now. In a candid one-on-one interview titled “Hair Me Now”, Lebron James answers the question the world has been waiting for.

“I know people have been wondering why I have the hairline of a 60-year-old man when I’m only in my 20’s. Well what people don’t know is that I have my hairs plucked according to the number of points I score in a game. It’s something I’ve been doing since high school.”

King James then demonstrated exactly what his hairitual is as he had his personal barber pluck 40 hairs for the 40 points he scored in Game 4 of the best of seven series against the Indiana Pacers. “Only the first few hurt, but after that the forehead just goes numb,” said James as he proceeded to cry like a baby for a few moments.

Football Player Looking to Buy ACL

New York – Former NY Giants cornerback Brian Witherspoon took to twitter looking to get someone to donate their ACL so he can play football again. Witherspoon who left practice last Wednesday on a cart after suffering what most expects is another ACL injury, asked his 3,000+ followers if any of them had an ACL that they weren’t using. Witherspoon who was cut by the Giants the day after getting injured is willing to trade his unopened rookie card plus his season tickets to the 2012-13 season in exchange for the ACL.

Player Thankful for Godball

Pennsylvania — The Pittsburgh Steelers are having second thoughts after signing Jericho Cotchery to a new two-year deal. Cotchery who is participating in the teams OTA conducted an interview after Friday’s practice where he proceeded to tell reporters that this is going to be his best season. He knows because the ball told him so.

When pressed further from reporters, Cotchery announced that after his dismal season last year, he started attending the First Emmanuel Baptist Methodist Episcopal Church of Saint Luke Cathedral where the Reverend Right Dr. Pastor Junior is the head deacon. The conversations that the two of them have been having have allowed Cotchery to get closer to God who he says appeared to him as a football.

“At first, it seemed as though I was imagining things but my Football God told me to just look at what happened last season. I had 16 catches for only 237 yards and two touchdowns. That was my lowest yardage total since my rookie season. After that I took it back to the days where I had to carry the ball everywhere. I got it baptized and after that things changed. Suddenly I was running routes, I could finally understand the playbook. I owe all of that to my Godball.

The Steelers issued a statement simply saying. If the Jets can have a Tebow, we can have a Godball.

Pastor Preaches No License for God

Prominent Detroit clergyman and chart-topping gospel singing star Marvin Winans who was driving without a license when he was beaten, robbed and carjacked said that God didn’t have a license so he doesn’t need one either.

This didn’t sway cops who proceeded to arrest the pastor who has been ticketed at least 15 times since 2005 — once for driving 95 m.p.h. — and most recently was caught speeding and driving without a license this past December, Michigan Secretary of State records show.

“The pastor thinks he can use God as a defense. We’re going to treat the pastor just like we treat anybody else and afford him the opportunity to come in and get his tickets paid,” City Manager Ed Klobucher said. “But I will not allow him or anyone else to use God, Allah, Budda or whatever they worship as an out to not pay tickets.

Winans, 54, of Bloomfield Hills preached a sermon in-front of his 3000 member congregation titled: Driven to Distraction – Is God your steering wheel or your spare tire. In the sermon Winans told his congregants God didn’t need a license to drive a donkey and he doesn’t need one to drive a damn car. Amen.

New Black CEO adds Fried Bologna Sandwich to Menu

McDonalds did more than change the face of a fortune 500 company when they promoted Don Thompson, currently McDonald’s president and chief operating officer, to chief executive officer. For the first time in its history, McDonald’s will have an African-American CEO, who has already pledge to shake up the global hamburger giant with major changes to its menu.

“McDonald’s African-American customers bring in nearly 18 percent of the restaurant’s sales. Yet, we don’t have much on the menu that reflects the people who contribute a large portion of our revenue,” stated Thompson.

“My goal as CEO is to start making sure the restaurants reflect the neighborhoods we are in so my team and I have come up with five new restaurant staples that I’m sure everyone will love, just as much as I did growing up.”

Some of the other items scheduled to be added to the menu include:

Fried Bologna Sandwiches, Ham hock & Black Eye Pea Salad, A new McWaffle & Chicken Breakfast Sandwich, McGrits, and the new McSpam Sandwich

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The new menu items were presented at the opening of a new McDonald’s restaurant in Harlem, New York. After hearing the menu items the future CEO was planning to make Bonita Jenkins, the council president for the New York chapter of The B.O.C. (Black Obesity Council) held a press conference to protest the new menu items.

“Mr. Thompson should have an added responsibility to our community. We have a higher rate of obesity, diabetes and high blood pressure, than any other community. Some damn spam. He thinks this is going to change the obesity levels in the community. Have you seen my ass, this is an ass from eating fried damn bologna. My bologna has a first name and it’s written all over my fat ass. See that’s what’s wrong with them uppity type Negroes.”

Mr. Thompson who wasn’t available when Ms. Jenkins was having her press conference did have one of his rep’s give Jenkins a buy one get one free coupon. Which she gladly accepted and used to order two Big Mac’s, a large fry and a diet soda.