King James Set to Take Championship Trophy on Kiss My Ass Tour

MIAMI – Thursday night at the American Airlines Arena, Lebron James and the Heat broke the hearts of those who wanted to see this season end without a championship. As James stuck the MVP trophy into the air you could see the satisfaction on his face as he mouthed a heartfelt thank you to all those wishing him nothing but playoff failures after leaving the Cavaliers in such a controversial and publicized fashion.

James who average 30 points throughout the playoff hugged his Heat teammates and then looked directly into the camera.

Redemption was sweet.

“I dreamed about this opportunity and this moment for a long time, including last night, including today,” James said. “You know, my dream has become a reality now. What better way to celebrate than to take the trophies on tour. I’m calling it THE KISS MY ASS Tour, first stop is Cleveland.”

“Two years ago, when I made the announcement that I was coming here; people started shitting on me like I wasn’t the best player in the league. I was getting all kinds of criticism. I put this team together, obviously with all this talent why wouldn’t I say we are going to win multiple championships. When Jordan said that shit no one batted an eye but when I say stuff everyone all up in arms about the words. We had to go through what we had to through last year. We needed to. And as much as it hurt, we had to go through pain and suffering.’’

James who had taken a hiatus from Twitter at the start of the playoffs, resumed early Friday morning for the first time since April 27. He tweeted, “Fuck Disney world, it’s all about the Kiss My Ass tour. This is for all the dick sucking haters who wanted to see me fall,” with a link to a video in which James said:

“I’m at a loss of words right now. I want to shout-out (to) my haters. Look what ya’ll helped me do. I know I haven’t been with you all the last couple months. I think April 27th was the last time I sent out a Tweet. I want you all to know I just wanted to get as focused as possible on this championship run. As you can see, I am a champion. Without you guys, it wouldn’t have been possible. You guys stuck with me throughout the whole playoffs. You guys stuck with me through the last couple of years and thank you guys so much. You guys share this championship with me and this MVP trophy with me. Love you guys. The Kiss my Ass tour is for you guys. SO PUCKER UP”

Research Shows Black Women Have Higher Rate of Lesbianism

Dr. Danielle Homoten, professor of lesbian studies at Cleveland State University, who has just concluded her study on the rate of lesbianism stated she was not surprised at the results. “The interesting aspect is why no one has made this connection before,” said Homoten, who specializes in educating new lesbians and those teetering on the brink of lesbianism because they have been wronged by men. “Most women have lesbian tendencies to begin with, think about birth and then breast feeding. Natural birth is the first time we come into contact with a vagina other than our own. Then we are immediately stuck on a breast and made to suck it. That act is the trigger where you start turning into a lesbian. Add into the fact that for the most part when African-American women are carrying babies, they tend to have to deal with a term called “blackinski reflex”. Blackinski Reflex is when a women has to deal with a no good black man and her response is to constantly curse him for his ways.”

Most newborn babies are not neurologically mature and therefore are more susceptible to a Blackinski response. The higher the Blackinski reflex is during the 9 months of term, the greater the chances a female will turn out to be a lesbian.

“Because black women have to deal with so many medical conditions when they are pregnant by a black man, doctors recommend that immediately after finding out they are pregnant a black female should start taking negremonium vitamin. This vitamin blocks certain levels of the fungi that black men emit.

If untreated during term Blackinski will attack the central nervous system (CNS) in babies and this is what directly leads to Lesbianism.

Dr. Homoten’s study can be found in the International Study of Lesbian Medicine

Dollar Makes a Long Call for Advice

COLLEGE PARK, Ga. – Megachurch pastor Creflo Dollar took to his pulpit this past Sunday to deny punching and choking his 15-year-old daughter, Halfalina Dollar. Telling his congregation the allegations made in a police report are nothing but “exaggeration and sensationalism.” “I will say this emphatically: I should have never been arrested,” Dollar said Sunday in his first public appearance two days after police charged him with misdemeanor counts of simple battery and cruelty to children. The pastor got an enthusiastic ovation from the packed church as he took the pulpit at the World Changers Church International in the Atlanta suburb of College Park. He addressed the criminal charges head-on for several minutes before moving on to his sermon. After the service the pastor who usually meets with his flock, instead headed straight towards his office where he told his secretary he didn’t want to be disturbed as he had to make a very important phone call. Sis. Odina who has been the pastor’s executive secretary for the last 13 years accidently hit the conference call button and was able to hear the whole conversation. She later sold the transcripts to

Transcripts of the conversation can be read below.

Phone rings

Bishop Long: You have reached the Simmering gay phone sex call centre, which one of our boys do you want today?

Creflo Dollar: Eddie, it’s me.

Bishop: How you doing me? What is your fantasy today?

Creflo: Cut that bullshit out Eddie. It’s me Creflo.

Bishop: Creflo, what you doing calling me on this phone?

Creflo: N@#$a, you aint been watching the news?

Bishop: What I want to be watching the news for?

Creflo: So you aint seen I got arrested yesterday.

Bishop: Damn, they got you too. How many boys claiming you touched them?”

Creflo: N@#$a please, I aint touched no damn boys. This is about my daughter.

Bishop: Damn you had sex with your daughter. Okay, if that’s what you into.

Creflo: I ain’t have sex with her man, she called the cops claiming I choked and punched her.

Bishop: Which one?

Creflo: I said choked and punched.

Bishop: Which daughter you dumb-ass?

Creflo: My bad man, this shit got me all f@#ked up. The young one.

Bishop: You mean little Halfalina Dollar!

Creflo: Yeah, that little b@#$h wanted to go to a party and because I said no she called the cops on me.

Bishop: Was it one of those gay lesbian parties? I been to one of those before. They be on some wild boy shit for real. Amen, blessed they little gay hearts.

Creflo: I don’t know what kind of party it was, but I told her no so she called the cops on me. Can you believe that shit? I’m Creflo “Mutherf#$king” Dollar. You don’t call the cops on me.

Bishop: Hell yeah I can believe it. You see they called the cops on me when all I was trying to do was lay hands on them boys. So what you gonna do?

Creflo: I can handle that little b@#$h. It’s the congregation I’m worried about. What if I ask the congregation to wait and hear the truth before they label or condemn me?

Bishop: N@#$a is you stupid. We talking about Christians. They already done condemned your black ass.

Creflo: So what am I supposed to do?

Bishop: Did you really choke her? (laughs)

Creflo: Man the devil is a lie.

Bishop: Come on Cref, this ya boy you talking to. You choked the shit out that little b@#$h didn’t you.

Creflo: (laughing) HAHA, man I tried to make change out that $5 dolla hoe.

Bishop: Sometimes you got to show these youngin’s what it’s all about. That’s all I was trying to do with them boys. Just show them what it’s all about. I be stroking (singing)

Creflo: Eddie, man what am I going to do?

Bishop: (pauses) You got your son with you?

Creflo: Yeah, he in the next room. Why?

Bishop: Why don’t the two of you drive out to my secluded beach house. We can talk more there in privacy.

Creflo: Your beach house?

Bishop: Yeah, you know the one. It’s 30,000 square feet. Has a pool, Jacuzzi, steam room, shower big enough for at least 3, 4, 10 people. Meet me there in 30 minutes.

Creflo: You sure?

Bishop: Hell yeah I’m sure..and Cref.

Creflo: Yeah man.

Bishop: Don’t forget to bring your son, okay.

Creflo: Okay.

(both phones hang up)

BooBoo, Play Him or Cut Him

Foxboro, MA – Chad Ochocinco was released by the New England Patriots on Thursday and he has his fiancé to thank. Ochocinco, 34, landed with the Patriots via trade from the Cincinnati Bengals last offseason, but his tenure with the Pats comes to an end after just one season with the team.

A press release from the Patriots front office states “We really wanted Chad to be a part of this team. But we just couldn’t deal with his fiancé. All last season she was going around and smacking Patriots personnel, throwing drinks on players, telling the head coach that he needs to run more plays so her man can get more television time, and trying to sell these damn t-shirts with sayings on them. It got to a point where she was really starting to upset some of the Football Wives in the organization.”

Evelyn Lozada the star of the highly popular VH1 series “BasketBall Wives” has made it clear that she is not willing to relinquish her 15 minutes of fame – just yet. “Chad wasn’t shit before he got with me. So what he been in the league a few years, that n@#$%a wasn’t making no real money until he got with this bitch. Ya’ll wasn’t checking for him before, but u checking for him now. WootWoot that is all me. Keep it real BooBoo. Don’t get it f@cked up.”

As security was being called to escort Lozada off the premisesa few office workers reported that they could hear Lozada screaming at Bill Belichick “You are a Non F’N Factor”

Despite his relatively poor season on the field, Ochocinco was quick to thank the Patriot organization for his time with the team. He tweeted the following on Thursday afternoon: She only wants the best for me – Love, Chad Lozada

Governor signs Any Age, Safe-Haven Bill into Law

Parents are flocking to Nebraska and shoving their kids out of the moving cars while they peel off. A new safe-haven law passed in Nebraska in May allows parents, and legal guardians to abandon children within 50 feet of any state-licensed hospital or police station without fear of prosecution. Because the law doesn’t specifically state what the age of the child has to be like in most states. Parents and legal guardians have the right to drop off the children and just walk away.

“I dropped off my 6-year-old the other day because I was tired of having to keep washing his sheets from his pissy ass peeing in the bed all the time,” said one mother who drove off leaving her child with a the curb with a lunchable and a quarter juice.

Mildred Jackson was another legal guardian who took advantage of the new law. “I took my granddaughter over there to County General because at 11-years-old I already see the little heffer turning into a trick like her momma was. That’s how the little bitch got here to begin with.”

“My boy Randy can’t shoot for shit. This little bitch is 13-years-old and 6 feet tall, yet he couldn’t throw a ball in a hole if he was standing on top of that motherf&^%er. How the hell he expects us to ever get out of the hood if he can’t play basketball and go to the NBA?”

The controversial law, which was signed by the governor after failing to pass the House and Senate twice before, has long been advocated for by early-childcare providers and teachers who feel they are the ones who have to deal with the kids who just don’t give a damn about anything.

One woman who wished to remain anonymous gave her take on why she supports the new law and has taken advantage of it herself. “I’m a single mother trying to raise three girls and a boy. That boy has got to be the biggest pussy I’ve ever seen. No matter how much I try to get him to do boy stuff, all he wants to do is play with dolls and dress up in my clothes when I’m not around. I can’t have no prissy ass little boy in my house. I used the safe-haven law and I dropped him off right on them there steps for someone else to see if they can make a man out of his girly-ass.”

Woman loses Virginity…Then Regrets it after seeing Jesus face in her Socks

“I feel so ashamed,” stated Vanessa Reynolds. “I had just lost my virginity to Roscoe Pittman, the neighborhood pimp and I was about to put on my socks when there his face was. Starring at me like he knew I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.”

The socks now hanging up in the lobby of the Greater Philadelphia Tabernacle Church are a constant reminder to church members that God wants us all to abide by his rules and losing your virginity to a pimp goes against all that Christians stands for.

“What makes this whole situation even sadder,” stated Vanessa. “All my girlfriends told me that if the guy hit it right I would be calling out God’s name. I was looking forward to calling out his name. But I didn’t even get the chance to do that. All I got was Jesus face in some socks.”

“It’s always a reality check when you do something that you know you shouldn’t be doing, and then you are immediately reminded of how big that mistake really is,” Pastor Fuqua said. “But when people think Jesus is looking at them, this should be a reminded that Jesus is everywhere, even in a stinky pair of socks.”

“She will get through this, so long as she checks her socks before deciding to have sex again,” he added.