Unemployment rate Falls, as Drive-thru Brothel Opens

Brooklyn, NY – The number of people seeking unemployment benefits in the Brooklyn borough fell last week, and Jasmine Blanks says you can thank her for putting people back to work.

“I drive throughout the borough and all I see are businesses that have laid off employees and closed their doors. Brooklyn already doesn’t look like shit but when you add in all these buildings that are just sitting and being used by crackheads and hoes it makes me sick to my stomach. They say private businesses are what the city needs to put more people back to work and turn this place around. So I’m just doing my part.”

With the approval of the mayor and the city council, Ms. Blanks has opened what she hopes will be the first of many: Drive-thru brothels. “Residents are furious that they can’t walk a block without seeing a hoe sucking some guy off in the doorway of some abandoned building,” stated Blanks. “So I went to the mayor and laid down what I thought was an offer that he couldn’t refuse. I’m cleaning up the streets and putting people back to work. That’s what everyone wants right?”

A spokesperson for the mayor released this statement. While we don’t condone prostitution, we understand that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. We all aren’t billionaires like the mayor. Ms. Blanks proposal to build ‘drive-in booths’ is a brilliant idea, that will put a lot of people men and women back to work and earning. When residents earn money it helps out the economy because they pay taxes and spend that money in the community.

The booths, called ‘performance stalls’, will each have a designated parking space for the client, who can drive right up to them for sex. They will also be fitted with alarm buttons so the prostitutes can call for help if they are attacked, and they also have an on-site counseling service.

This drive-thru brothel would be the first of its kind in New York and there are already plans to open three more in the Bronx, Harlem, and Manhattan.

Martin Sawer, the head of Brooklyn’s Economic Development Council said he was first against it but came around after using the brothel to see if it would be a good fit in Brooklyn.

Most councilors voted in favor of the drive-thru booths, but it was met with resistance from the United Hoes Union, the Greater Missionary of Virgin Women’s party, and the Black Sarah Palin Supporters Democratic Society.

Councilwomen Ruth Horn, of the United Hoes Union, said she voted against it because none of the hoes would be unionized. When you have un-unionized hoes they just suck of Tom, Harry, Dick that is put in front of them.

The brothel is slated to open to the public by the fall.

Former Teacher Joins Re-election Campaign

Washington, DC – Vice President Joe Biden is notorious for saying things that he shouldn’t say when the cameras are on and a microphone is present. So as President Obama launches his re-election campaign, he does not want his running mate sabotaging his chances at re-election by sticking his foot in his mouth. So he has hired his former teacher Mable Jenkins to help the vice-president learn to think before he speaks.

“Let me tell you something, when Obee was a little tot, he would just say whatever came out of his mouth. Ise remember one time he was supposed to give this speech and the whole board of education was there at the school. Well little Obee didn’t like one of the mens on the board. His name was Deacon Wilcox, well little obee got up there to give his speech and he noticed that the deacon had this big ole boobie on his top lip. Well Obee couldn’t give his speech because he was so busy looking at the boogie like he was waiting for it to get up and move. I tried to get him to just go on with the speech but he starred at that boogie and wouldn’t look in my direction. Well finally like he was about to bust, he asked the people in the audience to just give the man a damn piece of tissue be’fo the boogie fell in the mans mouth. Funniest thing I done seen but little kids aint supposed to be doing that to no adults.”

Miss Mable as she likes to be called will follow the vice-president and bunk with him as he and the president tour the country on their re-election campaign.

Spike Lee to Shoot Madea

After the disappointing 3rd place box office tally for Tyler Perry’s latest Madea film, “Madea’s Witness Protection”. Tyler has decided that its time to hang up the bra and wig and move on to bigger and better things. “I wasn’t really into this film,” he told reporters while doing the press junket to promote the latest Madea masterpiece. “I was busy filming the James Patterson Alex Cross movie, and I going back and forth between that and making this film started to take its toll on me. Besides I’m tired of climbing into the bra and putting on the wig. That Madea is a bitch and she is trying to take over my damn life, so I’m only going to do one more movie starring her.”

When pressed for more info, the director/writer/producer and actor turned the microphone over to a surprise guest, Spike Lee.

“Ya’ll know I’m trying to be crowned the best director ever but because I’m black I know you people will never give me that crown even thought I’ve directed some of the greatest movies this generation has ever seen. Classics like Crooklyn, Clockers and Girl 6. You know I don’t dwell in negativity. I try and stay above it, but I wanted to say this to you. Everyone knows that there are folks out there that work overtime trying to keep people from seeing black movies. My partner Mr. Perry chooses not to say anything, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t aware of it. Shit, I’m aware of it and I’ve never seen any of his damn movies. When ya’ll write up the reviews for my boy’s films ya’ll be saying all kinds of shit. This man gets it worse than me. What really gets me is that ya’ll be saying that he doesn’t have a white following. Nigga please, I don’t have a white following but tis nigga right here be on tour and he be having White folks, Black folks, Asian folks, Latin folks, Navajo folks, and everyone in between laughing side-by-side having a good time.”

Spike further explained that the last Madea movie will be titled “Madea Goes Straight To Hell”. Spike also answered questions as to how he came to be working with Tyler Perry. “See that’s the shit I be talking about. Why is it that white people can disagree about shit but still work together but if a fly guy from Brooklyn who loves the Knicks and a guy who likes dressing up as an obese black women disagree it’s some beef shit? This my man fifty grand, and I wanted to direct this film so I could shut you motherf@#$ers up once and for all. I’m tired of people saying Spike can’t work with other black directors. I’ma show you. Brooklyn is in the house.”

“MADEA GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL” opens in theaters in the fall. We all how important the first weekend is, so I sure hope everyone rolls out to see this film. I promise you, MADEA GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL is funnier than them all. Like Madea would say “You will laugh till you hurt, so take some aspirin to the movies with you.

Drone Strike Targets Pookie Johnson

Springfield, MA – At least twelve suspected drug dealers and thirty-nine crackheads have been killed in what is being reported as the first ever US drone attack, media reports citing unnamed officials and local residents said late Friday.

The drone strike reportedly targeted a Springfield, Massachusetts housing project located in one of the worst parts of the small city of 153,000+ residents. Officials said the drone fired at least five missiles at one of the buildings in the housing complex.

Drone strikes inside the United States remains a very sensitive issue. The U.S. government has often protested strongly against such domestic missile attacks in the past, stressing that such strikes violate its constitution.

The US military does not confirm or deny drone attacks inside the United States, but former Marine General Brockton Keeshawn, who served as the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency for twelve years stated that drone attacks in the U.S. is something that has been discussed unofficially for years but no one had the balls to make it happen. “Well it looks like someone finally has gotten the balls and I for one am happy as hell.”

The drone strike comes just two days after a shipment of pure cocaine was lost after a joint FBI/DEA drug sting went bad. According to reports one of the twelve dead in the drone strike was a notorious dealer wanted for multiple counts of illegal possession.