Draft Pick Promises to Blow Money On Frivolous Things

NEW YORK – On Thursday, Nerlens Noel, the projected number one pick in the 2013 NBA draft told the media that once he is drafted and signed he plans to spend his millions all in his rookie year.

“I’m not going to wait until my career is over to go broke. I’m going to do it early and get it out of my system,” said Noel. “Allen Iverson waited until he was 15 years in to go broke. That’s just stupid. He made over $200 million and he can’t even buy a double cheeseburger. I’m too smart for that. I’ll spend all my money as soon as I get it and then when I get my second contract that’s when I’ll start investing my money so that my money can take care of me when I finally do retire.”

“$4.2 million as a 19-year-old is ridiculous. I’ve already started adding people to my entourage and told them they need to start making their lists of all the gifts they want. I’m talking exotic animals, cars, houses, and gaudy jewelry. I’ve already got my eyes on a gold Atari system that I’m going to play on my flat screen TV that is encased in python skin.”Noel who is estimated to make about $4.2 million his first year if taken as the top pick in this years draft, will make slightly more in years 2 and 3, which is estimated to be $4.5, and $4.7 respectively.

Jacob Mathews a financial advisor hired by Team Noel thinks this is the right move for his client to make. “As a financial advisor for the last six months, I’ve read enough stories about players who have squandered their money late in their career. I always have my clients best interest in hand and the best thing he could do for himself and all the people he is going to take care of is to splurge now on all the hoes and homeboys and then once they have everything they need he can start thinking about his future contract that will set him up for life.”

Rep. Waites to Propose Legislation to Regulate Ugly Lesbians

ATLANTA – State Representative Keisha Waites (D-Atlanta) announced today that she will introduce legislation in the 2014 Legislative Session that will require ugly lesbians to get a special permit in order to marry.

“Something must be done to stop these ugly ass people from wanting to marry and procreate,” said Rep. Waites. “We can no longer sit by idly while ugly lesbians walk up and down our streets showcasing their love.”

Rep. Waites announcement comes in the wake of the Supreme Court striking down part of the national Defense of Marriage Act, which defined marriage as between one man and one woman.

The legislation would be the first of its kind, and would require ugly lesbians to register and pass an ugly test which measures your ugly percentage. Those who fall below the threshold of beyond ugliness will not be allowed to marry or have Public Displays of Affection before 11 p.m. on week nights and midnight on weekends. Failure to comply with these requirements would result in heavy fines and possibly jail time or banishment.

“This is a necessary, fair and balanced approach to the rising complaints I have received from pretty lesbians who feel like ugly lesbians are giving the lesbian community a bad name,” said Rep. Waites. “These requirements are measured and provide a fair and balance approach that will increase the beauty in cities across the country, while keeping the rights of pretty people in mind.”

Waites will spend the months leading up to the 2014 legislative session meeting with all the pretty people in her district to lobby community buy-in support for her proposed legislation.

“I don’t think outlawing ugly lesbians is the way to go. However, there must be stronger laws on the books governing how much they can be in the public, and stiff penalties to go with those who break these ugly laws. When people start seeing ugly lesbians go to jail for public ugliness, they’ll start thinking twice about leaving the house,” added Rep. Waited.

Soon Everyone Will be Able to Pop Bottles

BRONX,NY– The first Bunghole Bottled Liquors opened on a street corner in the Bronx, marking a milestone in the brand’s long-awaited march to having a store on every ghetto corner across America.

The new unit-located in a former Walgreen’s and featuring a 24-hour drive thru – is the first of 40 in the Bronx planned by Reggie Jackson, CEO of the Bunghole Corporation, with six scheduled to open within two blocks over the next few days.

The Bunghole Corporation, which also operates Black Star Music and Video, The Wreck Shop Clothing Store and African Oils & More in New York and other East Coast states has

already opened 72 Bunghole Bottled Liquor stores in Harlem and is scheduled to open 139 in the borough of Brooklyn.

“We’re in our second month, so we’re excited about the rate of expansion. We feel a liquor store is a perfect compliment to the projects, churches, and bodegas,” said Jackson. “There are a lot of unemployed and low-income people in the ghetto, so there’s a lot of pent-up demand for our stores.”

World Star Hip-Hop, another brand that is trying to infiltrate the homes of every black American welcomes the liquor store corporation. “ComStat polls say that black American’s spend an average of 6.5 hours watching our ratchet videos. The drunker people are the stupider things they will try to do. That just boosts our rate of viewership.”

In May,Jackson unveiled his plans to expand to 20,000 stores in New York,New Jersey and Connecticut, with 100 units expected on a one-mile stretch of Albany Avenue in Hartford,CT.

“Our stores serve a great need, and we’re getting great comments from our guests who hang out in front begging for change,” said Jackson.” “Of course, we will continue to expand the products we offer to meet the demand of our customers. It’s surprising what some people in the ghetto will drink.”

Blackest Possible Jury Selected

SANFORD, FL – Jury selection which was supposed to last three weeks was quickly wrapped up in less than two hours when what is being called the blackest jury ever was seated for the start of the trial of George Zimmerman. Aaliyah Cochran, daughter of the famous Johnnie Cochran walked out of court skipping to a new beat as she stepped in front of the microphone.

“This is a great day for Florida residents, a great day practicing law and a great day for me. I couldn’t have picked a better jury,” said Attorney Cochran, the prosecuting attorney in the case. “I would like to thank the members of the Nation of Islam and the Black Panther Party for doing their civic duty and showing up for jury duty. So many times people in the community ignore jury duty requests, so it makes me proud to see so many black men willing to sacrifice so they can be a part of this trial.”

George Zimmerman, a white 29-year-old former neighborhood watch volunteer, is pleading not guilty to second-degree murder, claiming he shot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, an unarmed black teenager in self defense.

The defense Attorney for Zimmerman walked out of the courtroom shortly after Cochran shaking his head and stating he didn’t know there were so many black men in bow-ties living in Sandford,Florida.

Trina Braxton says the Divorce was the first step. Next is Kicking Big Sister’s Ass

ATLANTA,GA– Just days after filing divorce papers in a Georgia Court from husband Grabriel Adrian-Solis and kicking him out, the second youngest Braxton sister admitted that she was ready to kick her big sister’s ass in a singing competition. Tina Braxton says Toni either starts respecting her or she is going to beat her ass. “I’m tired of Ms. Holier Than thou acting like she the only one in the family who can blow. I can sing rings around her and my booty looks better.

Trina who just released her latest song “Game Time” confessed that the reason why she hasn’t had a break out hit is because her soon-to-be-ex-husband is cheap and he only allows her to record with this white guy who works out of his mother’s apartment. My first two singles were okay but I can’t keep recording at someone’s basement studio. I mean the bathroom is the vocal booth. Every time I go to lay a verse his momma and her weak ass bladder is always interrupting me. Do you know how hard it is to sing my leads with her pissing right next to me?”

Trina who has challenge Toni to a sing-off stated that when she wins Toni is going to have to pay for her to work with some real producers like Babyface. And if she loses, “Please, me lose. With these tits and my dance moves there is no way I would lose to Toni. Trina later added that Toni better get her shit together because its #GameTime Bitch…..

Streets Bleed Pink after the Vote

ATLANTA,GA– The streets of Atlanta filled with happy parents as they celebrated the Boy Scouts of America voting to allow openly gay boys into the ranks.Thousands of gay men happily skipped down Peachtree Street in downtown Atlanta,GA with their son’s in tow as they celebrated the good news. Tarell Higgins, a Decatur father who pushed his son out the closet last year, called the vote “incredible.”

“I don’t know why it took so long. All you have to do is look at the Scout Law to see that the Boy Scouts was meant for gay people. I mean who else but a gay man could be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent, whatever that means.”

Higgins, in an interview with CNN affiliate WXCT, said that the vote was the first step in his hopes to change Boy Scout Policy so that gays and even lesbian adults, like himself, can serve as leaders. “I was a cub scout and sleeping in the tent with all the little boys in the woods brought out the animal in me, but because I was scared to come out the closet I never said anything. I refused to do that with my son. As soon as my son was born I knew he was gay the minute he looked at the doctor with that bitch please look after being slapped on the butt.”

As Higgin’s led the celebration Girl Scout Daises and Brownies watched from the sidelines hoping one day they too can celebrate the Girl Scouts including lesbians in their ranks.

Unreleased Track Real Reason Kobe in dispute with Mother

LOS ANGELES – LA Lakers basketball player Kobe Bryant sued Berlin, N.J.-based Goldin Auctions in order to prevent the auction sale of his trophies and other things he left in the family home.

Kobe’s former agent Torrance“Contract Killer” Chambers who is currently dating Kobe’s mother says the real reason Kobe sued the auction house was to prevent the release of an R&B recording he made after he cheated on his wife.

The recording titled Take Me Back (& I’ll Put A Ring On It) is rumored to have been recorded in the same studio Shaquille O’Neal, Bryant’s former teammate on the Lakers used to record his platinum debut “Shaq Diesel”.

“Kobe doesn’t care about none of the other items like the – surfboard from the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. He’s black he doesn’t even surf,” stated Chambers. “But what he does care about is that recording getting out to the public. That recording was something he made in the attempts to win back his wife after he messed up”. Chambers went on to say that he didn’t even know Kobe had made the recording but as soon as he learned about it he told him that if the track ever got out it would end his Lakers basketball career.

As of this report Kobe Bryant refused to issue a statement about the recording. All of his Lakers fans will just have to wait and see if the song ever makes it to the airwaves.

Recruitment No Longer an Issue for Chicago Gangs…Press Conference Details New Recruitment Effort

CHICAGO– Gang leader OG P-Knuckle of the Almighty Knuckle-Up Stones cried man tears when he heard that 54 schools will close before classes begin next fall.

Knuckle, 19, was worried along with other gang leaders about the recruitment issues they have been suffering over the last few years. “Recruitment has been a bitch,” he said while trying to convince a second grader the benefits of joining the AKUS, noting that recruitment used to involve bribing virgins with hot girls. But every since teachers started sleeping with their students, virgins don’t need gangs to get girls. “I be putting in work trying to get kids to sneak out their house with the promise of robberies and drive-by’s. Knuckle added that these school closing is a gift from God. Instead of having to go to where they live, they now have to walk through where I live. It’s about working smarter and not harder.

When Knuckle was asked how the gangs were able to sway The Chicago Board of Education, which is appointed by Mayor Emanuel to close the schools. He shouted SNITCHES GET STITCHES and then gang walked away with his pants sagging.