Projected #1 Draft Pick Tells NFL Teams He Wants to Be Drafted Last

The freakishly talented Clowney who blew scouts away at the combine by running a 4.53-second 40-yard dash has told all 32 NFL teams that he wants to be picked last in this year’s draft. “Don’t draft me number 1,” said Clowney, adding that Being called “Mr. Irrelevant” as the final pick in the NFL draft is the ultimate prize in sports. Mr. Irrelevant not only gets a chance to make an NFL roster, I would get to be the guest of honor at Irrelevant Week — a week of festivities in Orange County, Calif., which includes a golf tournament, parade, regatta and a roast. I don’t even eat roast and who knows what the hell a regatta is, but I get a parade. Why should I have to wait until I win a super bowl to get a parade? Give me my parade now. The number 1 draft pick is not getting a parade—I want a damn parade.

NAACP Says Sterling Deserves the Award

Los Angeles – The spokesperson for the Los Angeles chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People says they will still honor Donald Sterling on May 15th with the Lifetime Achievement Award because they can’t believe the man is still an NBA owner. “I can’t believe he is still in the owner’s box,” said Leon Jenkins, president of the Los Angeles branch of the civil rights organization, adding that this man gives a few dollars here and there, donates tickets to some black kids, and then while he sits up in the owner’s box he talks about black people like he’s having Sunday dinner with men in sheets. “The Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP has been following Mr. Sterling for over twenty years and every time we see a case of him being racist we hold hands expecting the NBA to suspend him, yet it never happens.” The NBA which is currently investigating Sterling says they will go through their due diligence before handing down any punishment if any are warranted. “They can do whatever investigation they want, but with all the crap Silvers has thrown on the black folks of Los Angeles, he deserves the award for lasting this long,” said Jenkins.

Rapper, The Game Says He’s Ready to Suit Up

Los Angeles – As the protest over the comments L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling made this past weekend move into a new week, former NBA players are calling for Clippers players to sit and not play. Professional players aren’t in favor of this but amateur ball players like Jayceon Taylor, also known as “The Game” have contacted the L.A. Clippers organization and informed them that he is ready to suit up when the current Clippers players decide to sit. The Game, a 6’4’’ small forward, averaged 14.9 points a game, 6 rebounds and 4 assists” when he played at Compton High School in the late 1990’s. “Look aint nobody making money from rap records no more,” said Game. “If them NBA players don’t want to play for the old man, then give me the paycheck and I’ll suit up. I got a closet full of Chuck Taylors and I still got game. I played against NBA stars Baron Davis, Tyson Chandler, Gilbert Arenas, and Tayshaun Prince, and I busted all their assess.”

Charles Barkley Launces Big Mouth Public Relations Firm

Los Angeles – TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer, Charles Barkley confirmed that he has resigned from his analyst job to become the Publicist for Donald Sterling. “I don’t think there is anything wrong with racism,” said Barkley, adding that this country was built on racism and how can people be mad about not wanting to associate with black people. “I’m black and for five years I’ve been sitting next to Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith. Johnson I don’t mind because he’s a white guy, but having to sit next to Kenny has been a struggle. Every broadcast he throws his blackness in my face, the way he pimp walks to the jumbo screen, the loud Steve Harvey suits he wears with the Stacey Adam shoes, and don’t get me started on the way he talks, it’s sickening.” Barkley’s decision to become Mr. Sterling’s publicist comes after the L.A. Clippers owner tweeted that in the last 24 hours, he’s read all three books that Charles wrote; Outrageous!, I May Be Wrong but I Doubt It and Who’s Afraid of a Large Black Man and that even though Charles is black he feels that they share the same philosophies in life.