New York, NY — Today at 1:00PM, Public Advocate Letitia James will be joined by food advocates on the steps of City Hall to announce a proposal that would help parents accept the universal free lunch that is offered to all New York City public school students. Over 75% of city public school students are eligible for free or reduced-price school lunch. That’s an estimated 780,000 students. However, because of the poverty stigma associated with school lunch, the school district ends up throwing away pounds of bologna and oodles and noodles daily. An estimated 250,000 income eligible city students do not participate in the school lunch program. “These parents to need to stop being prideful and start having their children accept the mayonnaise sandwiches the school provides,” said James, adding that it may be downright embarrassing for a child to sit there and rip the red stripe off of the bologna, shameful even, but it’s free. “They need to look past the block of government cheese and powdered milk and accept the free lunch.” Research has shown that African-American students who eat free lunches made up of powdered milk, bologna, and saltine crackers are less hungry, and more likely to be attentive in class. Sources confirmed that New York City Public Advocate Letitia James is working with chefs to expand the menu to include grout, saltine cereal with milk, and meatless neckbone soup for the start of the 2014-15 school year.
NEWARK — Once again hip-hop has played a role in getting a politician elected. Ras Baraka, took a victory lap around the city Wednesday, after a resounding win over newcomer Shavar Jeffries showed the power of his hip-hop sounding name on election night. The 45-year-old councilman, a longtime hip-hop listener, local hip-hop karaoke winner at Club NV, community activist, and son of a celebrated poet, was swept into office Tuesday with 104 percent of the vote. The partying began immediately after the candidate, declaring victory Tuesday evening, set off for the steps of Newark City Hall with his supporters in tow for an impromptu twerking festival and hip-hop concert. Wednesday morning, he stopped at local New York Hip-Hop station Power 105.1 to chat with the Breakfast Club about how his name carried him to the win. “Look, everyone knows hip-hop runs the world. Did this guy Jeffries really think he was going to beat someone named Ras Baraka? My hip-hop name screams Politics. I put my name on t-shirts, that said Free Ras B. We dropped a mixtape series title Ras B for Mayor, and then we had two vehicles wrapped with my name in block letters. After that it was a wrap literally. A man named Shavar Jeffries can’t compete with the power of hip-hop.” An examination of returns by ward showed Baraka received the most support in his home South Ward — where people named E-ratic Beggar, Dilly Bomb, and Tee Maniac helped Baraka take 71 percent of the votes.
MANCHESTER, CT — Maid of Honor Brook Murray confirmed Tuesday that newlywed Latrisha Fields, who was just married over the weekend, has moved back into the apartment after only two-days on her honeymoon. “We both were raised to believe that we should wait until we are married before having sex. But I lost my virginity when I was fifteen, just so I could avoid something like this happening if I ever got married,” said Murray explaining how she heard a knock on the door only to find Latrisha standing there crying and holding her bags. “I know she thought she was supposed to call out God’s name at least seven times the first time they had sex. Plus she thought he looked like he knew what he was doing since he fingered her pretty well when they were dating. But I guess it wasn’t what she thought.” At press time, Murray and Fields were going over the rules for having men over.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The NAEC board of director’s president came down hard Tuesday on Solange Knowles , sister of Pop Superstar Beyonce, ordering her to take the stairs and forcing her to visit one-level buildings only after the video of her attacking her brother-in-law, hip-hop mogul Jay Z in an elevator went viral. John Sweeney detailed Solange’s punishment of a lifetime ban from riding elevators and escalators and the $35.00 fine – the “maximum amount” allowed per elevator guidelines – at a press conference a few minutes before Solange was set to push the up button to get to get to her meeting on the 105th floor of 1 World Trade Center. Sweeney’s decision was met with immediate support from building owners, elevator operators, and others connected to the National Association of Elevator Contractors who called for swift, firm punishment ever since TMZ posted the video featuring the karate kicks and open palm slaps. Solange was unavailable for comment as she was tired after walking up the first flight of stairs and cancelled her meeting for a later date at a building which only had one floor.
GROTON, CT – 24-year-old Geeroy Roshawn Johnson, one of the few male virgins still living in Groton, has reported that he blew his only chance to have sex this year. “I really don’t understand how this happened!! I was so close…” he told reporters, who were just as shocked as he was. A few weeks ago, Geeroy met Kiera Adams, a Hooters girl, while they were both shopping in a vegetarian fish market. It was love at first site for Geeroy when they both reached for the last pound of organic Pacific weed. They exchanged phone numbers and after weeks of sweet talking, they agreed to go out on a date. Geeroy planned everything for the evening, including dinner at Mugs N Jugs, an extravagant ride home in a rented white limousine and three different size packs of condoms, just in case. The night, according to him, was going very well and he only had to reference his cue cards once which gave him hope that he would get to use one of those condoms and finally lose his virginity. Kiera loved the flowers he bought for her and wanted to give him something nice in exchange. After dinner they went back to his place where Kiera delivered a lap dance complemented by a (blood-rising) twerking session to Pop That P***y. This is when the trouble began. While gyrating to the lyrics Pop that ass, girl make it rotate/I say girl make it rotate/Clap clap that ass for me/Girl back it up/put that ass on me, Kiera took off her bra and shook everything her momma gave her. “I don’t know what happened,” Kiera told reporters who Geeroy had hired to capture this magical moment, adding that his eyes got this glossy look, then he pointed and yelled out “Boobees”, after which he started giggling like a little boy. “I’ve been with a lot of men and I’ve never had one point and yell out Boobees. Of course I was upset. So I did what any respectable Hooters girl would do. I grabbed my thong, my cd and after leaving the bill on the table I left. All I know is that he was crying when I closed the door.” Geeroy, remains puzzled over why she got so upset. “I’ve seen thousands of boobee’s online and hers looked great. I was just showing my appreciation for them.” As of this article Geeroy has stopped shopping at the vegetarian fish market for fear of running into Kiera, and is currently adding how to use the condoms he bought to his cue card set. Who knows when he will get another opportunity but Geeroy promises that he will keep the world informed via his new website www.helpgeeroyscoresomeass.com