New York, NY — Today at 1:00PM, Public Advocate Letitia James will be joined by food advocates on the steps of City Hall to announce a proposal that would help parents accept the universal free lunch that is offered to all New York City public school students. Over 75% of city public school students are eligible for free or reduced-price school lunch. That’s an estimated 780,000 students. However, because of the poverty stigma associated with school lunch, the school district ends up throwing away pounds of bologna and oodles and noodles daily. An estimated 250,000 income eligible city students do not participate in the school lunch program. “These parents to need to stop being prideful and start having their children accept the mayonnaise sandwiches the school provides,” said James, adding that it may be downright embarrassing for a child to sit there and rip the red stripe off of the bologna, shameful even, but it’s free. “They need to look past the block of government cheese and powdered milk and accept the free lunch.” Research has shown that African-American students who eat free lunches made up of powdered milk, bologna, and saltine crackers are less hungry, and more likely to be attentive in class. Sources confirmed that New York City Public Advocate Letitia James is working with chefs to expand the menu to include grout, saltine cereal with milk, and meatless neckbone soup for the start of the 2014-15 school year.
NEWARK — Once again hip-hop has played a role in getting a politician elected. Ras Baraka, took a victory lap around the city Wednesday, after a resounding win over newcomer Shavar Jeffries showed the power of his hip-hop sounding name on election night. The 45-year-old councilman, a longtime hip-hop listener, local hip-hop karaoke winner at Club NV, community activist, and son of a celebrated poet, was swept into office Tuesday with 104 percent of the vote. The partying began immediately after the candidate, declaring victory Tuesday evening, set off for the steps of Newark City Hall with his supporters in tow for an impromptu twerking festival and hip-hop concert. Wednesday morning, he stopped at local New York Hip-Hop station Power 105.1 to chat with the Breakfast Club about how his name carried him to the win. “Look, everyone knows hip-hop runs the world. Did this guy Jeffries really think he was going to beat someone named Ras Baraka? My hip-hop name screams Politics. I put my name on t-shirts, that said Free Ras B. We dropped a mixtape series title Ras B for Mayor, and then we had two vehicles wrapped with my name in block letters. After that it was a wrap literally. A man named Shavar Jeffries can’t compete with the power of hip-hop.” An examination of returns by ward showed Baraka received the most support in his home South Ward — where people named E-ratic Beggar, Dilly Bomb, and Tee Maniac helped Baraka take 71 percent of the votes.
MANCHESTER, CT — Maid of Honor Brook Murray confirmed Tuesday that newlywed Latrisha Fields, who was just married over the weekend, has moved back into the apartment after only two-days on her honeymoon. “We both were raised to believe that we should wait until we are married before having sex. But I lost my virginity when I was fifteen, just so I could avoid something like this happening if I ever got married,” said Murray explaining how she heard a knock on the door only to find Latrisha standing there crying and holding her bags. “I know she thought she was supposed to call out God’s name at least seven times the first time they had sex. Plus she thought he looked like he knew what he was doing since he fingered her pretty well when they were dating. But I guess it wasn’t what she thought.” At press time, Murray and Fields were going over the rules for having men over.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — The NAEC board of director’s president came down hard Tuesday on Solange Knowles , sister of Pop Superstar Beyonce, ordering her to take the stairs and forcing her to visit one-level buildings only after the video of her attacking her brother-in-law, hip-hop mogul Jay Z in an elevator went viral. John Sweeney detailed Solange’s punishment of a lifetime ban from riding elevators and escalators and the $35.00 fine – the “maximum amount” allowed per elevator guidelines – at a press conference a few minutes before Solange was set to push the up button to get to get to her meeting on the 105th floor of 1 World Trade Center. Sweeney’s decision was met with immediate support from building owners, elevator operators, and others connected to the National Association of Elevator Contractors who called for swift, firm punishment ever since TMZ posted the video featuring the karate kicks and open palm slaps. Solange was unavailable for comment as she was tired after walking up the first flight of stairs and cancelled her meeting for a later date at a building which only had one floor.
GROTON, CT – 24-year-old Geeroy Roshawn Johnson, one of the few male virgins still living in Groton, has reported that he blew his only chance to have sex this year. “I really don’t understand how this happened!! I was so close…” he told reporters, who were just as shocked as he was. A few weeks ago, Geeroy met Kiera Adams, a Hooters girl, while they were both shopping in a vegetarian fish market. It was love at first site for Geeroy when they both reached for the last pound of organic Pacific weed. They exchanged phone numbers and after weeks of sweet talking, they agreed to go out on a date. Geeroy planned everything for the evening, including dinner at Mugs N Jugs, an extravagant ride home in a rented white limousine and three different size packs of condoms, just in case. The night, according to him, was going very well and he only had to reference his cue cards once which gave him hope that he would get to use one of those condoms and finally lose his virginity. Kiera loved the flowers he bought for her and wanted to give him something nice in exchange. After dinner they went back to his place where Kiera delivered a lap dance complemented by a (blood-rising) twerking session to Pop That P***y. This is when the trouble began. While gyrating to the lyrics Pop that ass, girl make it rotate/I say girl make it rotate/Clap clap that ass for me/Girl back it up/put that ass on me, Kiera took off her bra and shook everything her momma gave her. “I don’t know what happened,” Kiera told reporters who Geeroy had hired to capture this magical moment, adding that his eyes got this glossy look, then he pointed and yelled out “Boobees”, after which he started giggling like a little boy. “I’ve been with a lot of men and I’ve never had one point and yell out Boobees. Of course I was upset. So I did what any respectable Hooters girl would do. I grabbed my thong, my cd and after leaving the bill on the table I left. All I know is that he was crying when I closed the door.” Geeroy, remains puzzled over why she got so upset. “I’ve seen thousands of boobee’s online and hers looked great. I was just showing my appreciation for them.” As of this article Geeroy has stopped shopping at the vegetarian fish market for fear of running into Kiera, and is currently adding how to use the condoms he bought to his cue card set. Who knows when he will get another opportunity but Geeroy promises that he will keep the world informed via his new website www.helpgeeroyscoresomeass.com
The freakishly talented Clowney who blew scouts away at the combine by running a 4.53-second 40-yard dash has told all 32 NFL teams that he wants to be picked last in this year’s draft. “Don’t draft me number 1,” said Clowney, adding that Being called “Mr. Irrelevant” as the final pick in the NFL draft is the ultimate prize in sports. Mr. Irrelevant not only gets a chance to make an NFL roster, I would get to be the guest of honor at Irrelevant Week — a week of festivities in Orange County, Calif., which includes a golf tournament, parade, regatta and a roast. I don’t even eat roast and who knows what the hell a regatta is, but I get a parade. Why should I have to wait until I win a super bowl to get a parade? Give me my parade now. The number 1 draft pick is not getting a parade—I want a damn parade.
Los Angeles – The spokesperson for the Los Angeles chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People says they will still honor Donald Sterling on May 15th with the Lifetime Achievement Award because they can’t believe the man is still an NBA owner. “I can’t believe he is still in the owner’s box,” said Leon Jenkins, president of the Los Angeles branch of the civil rights organization, adding that this man gives a few dollars here and there, donates tickets to some black kids, and then while he sits up in the owner’s box he talks about black people like he’s having Sunday dinner with men in sheets. “The Los Angeles chapter of the NAACP has been following Mr. Sterling for over twenty years and every time we see a case of him being racist we hold hands expecting the NBA to suspend him, yet it never happens.” The NBA which is currently investigating Sterling says they will go through their due diligence before handing down any punishment if any are warranted. “They can do whatever investigation they want, but with all the crap Silvers has thrown on the black folks of Los Angeles, he deserves the award for lasting this long,” said Jenkins.
Los Angeles – As the protest over the comments L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling made this past weekend move into a new week, former NBA players are calling for Clippers players to sit and not play. Professional players aren’t in favor of this but amateur ball players like Jayceon Taylor, also known as “The Game” have contacted the L.A. Clippers organization and informed them that he is ready to suit up when the current Clippers players decide to sit. The Game, a 6’4’’ small forward, averaged 14.9 points a game, 6 rebounds and 4 assists” when he played at Compton High School in the late 1990’s. “Look aint nobody making money from rap records no more,” said Game. “If them NBA players don’t want to play for the old man, then give me the paycheck and I’ll suit up. I got a closet full of Chuck Taylors and I still got game. I played against NBA stars Baron Davis, Tyson Chandler, Gilbert Arenas, and Tayshaun Prince, and I busted all their assess.”
Los Angeles – TNT basketball analyst and NBA Hall of Famer, Charles Barkley confirmed that he has resigned from his analyst job to become the Publicist for Donald Sterling. “I don’t think there is anything wrong with racism,” said Barkley, adding that this country was built on racism and how can people be mad about not wanting to associate with black people. “I’m black and for five years I’ve been sitting next to Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith. Johnson I don’t mind because he’s a white guy, but having to sit next to Kenny has been a struggle. Every broadcast he throws his blackness in my face, the way he pimp walks to the jumbo screen, the loud Steve Harvey suits he wears with the Stacey Adam shoes, and don’t get me started on the way he talks, it’s sickening.” Barkley’s decision to become Mr. Sterling’s publicist comes after the L.A. Clippers owner tweeted that in the last 24 hours, he’s read all three books that Charles wrote; Outrageous!, I May Be Wrong but I Doubt It and Who’s Afraid of a Large Black Man and that even though Charles is black he feels that they share the same philosophies in life.
NEW YORK – On Thursday, Nerlens Noel, the projected number one pick in the 2013 NBA draft told the media that once he is drafted and signed he plans to spend his millions all in his rookie year.
“I’m not going to wait until my career is over to go broke. I’m going to do it early and get it out of my system,” said Noel. “Allen Iverson waited until he was 15 years in to go broke. That’s just stupid. He made over $200 million and he can’t even buy a double cheeseburger. I’m too smart for that. I’ll spend all my money as soon as I get it and then when I get my second contract that’s when I’ll start investing my money so that my money can take care of me when I finally do retire.”
“$4.2 million as a 19-year-old is ridiculous. I’ve already started adding people to my entourage and told them they need to start making their lists of all the gifts they want. I’m talking exotic animals, cars, houses, and gaudy jewelry. I’ve already got my eyes on a gold Atari system that I’m going to play on my flat screen TV that is encased in python skin.”Noel who is estimated to make about $4.2 million his first year if taken as the top pick in this years draft, will make slightly more in years 2 and 3, which is estimated to be $4.5, and $4.7 respectively.
Jacob Mathews a financial advisor hired by Team Noel thinks this is the right move for his client to make. “As a financial advisor for the last six months, I’ve read enough stories about players who have squandered their money late in their career. I always have my clients best interest in hand and the best thing he could do for himself and all the people he is going to take care of is to splurge now on all the hoes and homeboys and then once they have everything they need he can start thinking about his future contract that will set him up for life.”